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Dear How to Do It,
I’m a retired 65-year-old male who remarried when I was 52 (after a previous 26-year marriage). My second wife was 43 at the time.
Sex was missing during the latter part of my first marriage and was a motivating factor in my divorce. Sex was good with my second wife until she went through breast cancer treatment at age 48. Chemo was tough on her and compromised her ability to tolerate penis-in-vagina sex (just too painful). As a result, we have not had “real” sex for about the last seven years. Oral sex was also ruled out several years ago—as a result, we live together now more as roommates. I love her, but struggle with the lack of intimacy and the physical act of sex. I have resigned myself to my fate, but I am considering finding a friend with benefits or some other situation, as I’m really troubled by the idea of being sexless now until I die. Are there other options I’m missing?
—No Sex for You
Dear No Sex for You,
You mention penis-in-vagina penetration and oral sex as being off the table, but you don’t discuss less directly erotic forms of intimacy like cuddling at all, much less other options like whether she’d be interested in holding you or stroking you while you masturbate. I’d feel remiss if I didn’t mention the fact that you could get yourself a Fleshlight like the one the doctor’s partner rejected (and in my 15 years as a Fleshlight Girl, the amount of negative feedback I’ve heard compared to sales figures is truly minuscule).
There’s also a chance that, if your wife wants to pursue this, a specialist might be able to help her find a way to allow penetration to be pleasurable again. That’s her decision to make, though.
You can also have a direct conversation with your wife about whether she’d be OK with (or approving of, or even interested in) your seeking out another person to have sex with. She might be deeply hurt by your even broaching the subject, but sneaking around brings its own risk of emotional pain compounded by the surprise, secrecy, and sense of violation once she inevitably finds out.
No matter what, it’s worth thinking through what troubles you so deeply about not having sex. Sex is not everything. It is often important to people. But what makes it important to an individual is as varied as humans are. Knowing what you’re missing—being able to name it, quantify it, and describe it—puts you in a better position to seek that out, whether you’re working out non-penetrative intimacy with your wife, or asking to open the relationship and negotiating with potential partners.
Do give serious consideration to the fact that you made a commitment to your wife when you married her, and even a generous interpretation of your letter tells me you’ve prioritized partnered sex over your marriages. Your current wife, who could not choose to avoid cancer, did try to make continued PIV sex work. You can try to find ways to live a life that feels full without that. It’s a question of whether you’re willing.
—Jessica
More Advice From Slate
I have a wonderful, loving husband and we have an active sex life. However, I am currently in the final year of an exhausting PhD, which has left me drained and riddled with anxiety. I find sex the last thing on my mind when I get home, and I often just want to collapse my numb body into bed and sleep like the dead. He tries to initiate sex with me, and when I have the energy he is wonderful, giving, and focused on my pleasure.