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Dear Prudence,
I teach kindergarten, and “Dean,” the son of two of my friends, “Belinda” and “Don,” is among my students. During a recent classroom activity, Dean said something that has me a bit concerned about his home life.
My sister took a trip to Europe a couple of weeks ago and brought back some small tins of hard candies from the country she visited for my students. I distributed the candies for an activity in which the kids would taste each color and see if they could name the flavor. When we got to the honey-flavored one, no one knew what it was, so I gave them a hint by saying that bees made it. After I still didn’t get an answer, I told them it was something their mommy calls their daddy. That’s when Dean shouted, “Spit it out! It’s an asshole!” I quickly changed the subject.
Belinda and Don have always seemed like they have a great marriage; our entire social group says it’s what everyone is aiming for in theirs. Should I tell Belinda what Dean said and ask if everything is all right between her and Don, or do I just pretend the candy episode never happened?
—Not Trying to Pry
Dear Not Trying to Pry,
This reads like a slightly less wholesome version of one of those mildly funny stories they used to publish in the print editions of Reader’s Digest. I was about to say I’m aging myself by remembering them, but as I looked for an example to confirm my memory, I learned that they are actually still published, now digitally. Here’s an example:
When my 5-year-old daughter came down with a virus, I took her to the doctor’s office. Holding her hands, I explained the sad facts: “The doctor is now going to draw some blood.” Calmly and stoically, she responded, “Whose? —Faye Hintz, Glendora, California
Not exactly hilarious enough to make you laugh out loud, right? But the idea behind a lot of these is that small children have a tendency to volunteer all the worst and most embarrassing of their families’ business. This is normal, and we know it’s a universal experience because everyone has stuff going on that they’d rather their kindergarteners not broadcast to the world. Now it has been confirmed that Dean’s family is part of everyone. From his outburst, you’ve learned that Belinda has probably (not definitely, because kids are also prone to making things up) said her husband was an asshole, either jokingly or seriously. OK. And? Reporting this to Belinda and inquiring about the health of her marriage as she dies of embarrassment wouldn’t make Don less of an asshole or change the way she felt.
Of course, if you’d overheard something that indicated abuse or neglect, I’d tell you to intervene and alert the authorities, which would be required of you as a teacher anyway. But you don’t have to take any action in response to the unsurprising revelation that the couple everyone thinks is perfect may not be. If you take some private pleasure in the news, it’s fine. People who present as picture-perfect can be kind of annoying, especially if their seemingly ideal lives and relationships trigger our insecurities.
But resist the urge to update your whole friend group. That’s the last thing Belinda needs if she’s having marital problems, and you don’t want to undermine the process of building the type of trust that will hopefully make her comfortable to one day open up to her circle about any struggles she’s having. I know it’s tempting to do something with the asshole incident, but really, don’t. One of the things that separates you from a small child is the ability to keep thoughts inside your head. This is a good time to use it.
Classic Prudie
Last year I had to have a molar (second from my eyetooth) removed when it cracked in half while I was eating. My dentist had told me months ago I needed a crown, which I could not afford, so when it broke I had to have the tooth extracted. An implant will be about $3,000. I feel deeply ashamed about the missing tooth, especially when it comes to dating.