Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My daughter “Alice” is in a strange situation. She’s in middle school. The other day she was joking with her friend “Bella” and teasing her about some traits (lets say that she was teasing Bella for having braces and liking a particular TV show). These are traits that Bella and Alice both share in common, and both girls know that the teasing isn’t meant to be insulting, just friendly teasing. But other kids overheard, and the interaction somehow made it back to Bella’s parents. Bella’s mom is very overprotective and immediately asked the school to take action, despite Bella’s protests. The school is now seeking to punish Alice with detention.
My husband wants to say that even though Alice wasn’t in the wrong, she should accept the punishment from the school for not being careful with her words in a space where they could be misinterpreted. I think that this is a fair point, but I also hate the idea of our daughter being punished and labeled as a bully when she wasn’t. Is this worth fighting the school over?
—Picking Our Battles?
Dear Picking,
Alice is a middle schooler and is old enough to consult on next steps here. Talk to your daughter about how she would like you to support her. Let her know that you understand that she didn’t do anything wrong, and you’re sorry that Bella’s mom and the school administration are willfully misinterpreting her conversation with Bella. Ask her about how she feels about how the school is handling it, and offer to help her clear her name. Perhaps you could request a meeting with Bella’s mom, school officials, and the two girls, or perhaps Alice would prefer the chance to plead her case to officials alone, or write a letter of protest to include in her file. There are lots of options, but Alice needs to decide how much she wants to push back.
It’s possible that any action you take still results in detention for Alice. We all must learn eventually that the world isn’t fair, and there is no justice. It’s possible that this incident is Alice’s first taste of that truth.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
Ever since the weather warmed up, I have been catching my 6-year-old son “Tyler” pissing in the backyard. According to him, the reason is because it’s easier than coming inside to use the bathroom. Even worse, my husband is on his side since “it’s no worse than what the dog does.” I’ve tried punishing Tyler by sending him to his room and taking away screen time, but based on the dead spots on the grass and wet spots in the flower beds, I know he’s still at it when I’m not looking. What can I do to break him of this habit?
—Unwanted Sprinkler System
Dear Unwanted,
Little kids peeing in the yard comes up a lot in this column, and opinions differ. The most important thing is that you and your husband are on the same page with Tyler. Since your husband is OK with Tyler peeing in the backyard, then your battle is with him. You need to be a united front on the no-peeing outside rule. Tell your husband this is important to you; I hope he’ll quickly see that you care about this more than he does and you can both agree that Tyler’s lawn-peeing days are over. But if your husband digs in his heels insists that Tyler be allowed to pee in the yard, I think you should compromise by choosing an area of the yard where he can do it least-offensively, preferably a far-away corner.
—Logan
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My toddler is spitting everywhere! He’s really enthused about spitting his spit, drooling water or milk out of his mouth, etc. It’s gross! Right now, I’m making him go outside when he’s spitting, and we’re just not going to have milk until he’s done with that. I left him briefly alone with a milk cup and came back to find his face, his shirt, and my rug covered in a fine spray of milk. What am I supposed to be doing here?