Pay Dirt is Slate’s money advice column. Have a question? Send it to Kristin and Ilyce here. (It’s anonymous!)
Dear Pay Dirt,
My partner and I are fiscally responsible people. We have paid-off student loans, no credit card debt, and we max out our 401(k) contributions. Now we’re getting married (yay!), and we’ve saved $40,000 for this wedding. For us, that felt like a huge amount of money, enough for a nice (but not extravagant) wedding with 100 guests in a convenient location near a major city, similar to what our friends have had. Unfortunately, we’ve realized that budget just isn’t enough. After getting sky-high quotes, I asked friends what their weddings cost and was shocked.
Many of our friends had their wedding budgets “supplemented” by their parents, with another $20,000, $30,000, and even $50,000. That’s just not an option for us. And we’re not going into debt for a wedding. I know a happy marriage matters more. But how do I deal with the disappointment?
—Disappointed
Dear Disappointed,
Congratulations! Yes, weddings are ridiculously expensive, but plenty of people pull them off for far less than $40,000. They might not match one person’s idea of a “dream” wedding, but that’s the real question here. What actually makes a wedding perfect for you?
To deal with the disappointment of letting go of the version you originally pictured, focus on the two or three elements that matter to you most. When you look back years from now, what’s the story you want to tell about how you got married? Do you picture a packed dance floor? A beautiful backdrop? A long dinner with the people who know you best? There are no wrong answers. Maybe you decide to go with a more modest venue and prioritize your spending on incredible food. Maybe you choose a breathtaking location with a tiny guest list. Maybe you skip the traditional wedding entirely, get married with just a handful of witnesses, and throw a big, fun celebration later.
There are plenty of resources that can help with this, too — free wedding budget planners, outside-the-box savings tips, and even worksheets to help you prioritize what matters to you most. It’s hard to let go of expectations, but most wedding guests remember the “emotional architecture”—how the celebration made them feel—more than details about the food or the venue. Chances are you will, too.
—Kristin
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