Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
I just found out that my (single, never married) sister has been having an affair with a married man for over 25 years.
The wife found out, threw him out, and filed for divorce. He moved in with my sister as he has nowhere else to go. I love my sister, but I am very disappointed that she started and carried on with this man knowing that he was married and had young children. She wants me to accept him as her partner, but I don’t see how I can pretend to be civil when I know he is a cheater and was able to deceive his wife for more than two decades. Our parents have passed, and our other siblings and friends are OK with their history. Am I wrong for refusing to accept him? I feel very strongly about him having disrespected both his wife and my sister. I cannot pretend that it’s OK. It’s breaking my sister’s heart because she thinks I’m forcing her to choose between us. I’m not, but I cannot fake being nice. He presents this public persona of being an upstanding, decent, God-centered man when he isn’t. What should I do?
—Disappointed Sister
Dear Disappointed Sister,
I’m not sure what you mean when you say that you refuse to accept this guy as your sister’s partner. He is her partner. He is the person she has chosen to be with. You don’t have to like it, but that’s the reality, and I don’t really see the point in refusing to accept reality.
They are both consenting adults. You don’t have to agree with the choices they’ve made, but you cannot force them to choose otherwise. You can only control your own choices and behavior. So consider what, if anything, you hope to gain by continuing to feud openly with your sister’s partner. Do you think that “refusing to accept” him is likely to change either of their minds? What is more important to you—keeping your sister in your life and being there for her, or trying to punish the person she’s chosen to be with?
Again, you don’t have to like or approve of this man. And if you ever suspected that your sister wasn’t safe with him, that is a very different matter. But as things stand, the person you seem to be hurting most with your behavior is not him, but your sister. I think if you’re emotionally close to her, it’s OK to be honest about your concerns and your feelings. But you also need to accept that she gets to make her own decisions. Do your best to love and be there for her, even when you disagree.
I hear that you strongly disapprove of this man’s past actions, and would like to see him face some consequences. I’m just not sure why you think you’re the one who needs to make sure he does. It is not your responsibility to punish your sister’s partner for something you yourself were completely uninvolved in.
—Nicole
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