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Dear Prudence,

For the past three years, my partner and I (both women) have been really suffering at the hands of a next-door neighbor who has been vindictively attacking us via the legal system in property and in civil court, from stalking cases (after I tried to get protection from him) to disputing our boundaries when we complained to him about a fence on our property. My elderly parents live with us, and the neighbor has even drawn my father in as he blocks my handicapped mother from being able to use our own driveway. Even though much of his information is incorrect and his ideas are fanciful (i.e. he thinks owns a chunk of our backyard), he has a right to due process and thus we have had several court cases with him (we are pro bono, he hires lawyers) and more coming.

It is causing such pain in our family and relationship—part of me wants to keep fighting, and the other part wants to just give up and settle and move as far away from him as possible. But as a queer woman who has fought hard for her rights and her ability to own a home, as well as to give shelter to my parents in a place where I have lived for decades—I hate to give up. But should we? Is it better just to end the situation on (sort of) our own terms and stop fighting even though he is so wrong and a homophobe to boot? Every time we fight back, something terrible happens, from him calling the sheriff on us to putting up signs in our back yard.

—Not on the Fence

Dear Fence,

You’ve fought hard for your rights in part because having those rights means you get to enjoy life. And right now, as a result of the endless battle with your neighbor, you’re not. But I completely understand not wanting to back down—and the fact that someone has taken your case on pro bono suggests to me that it’s a worthy and strong one.

I think there’s a middle ground between being at war forever and letting this jerk win. Get together with your partner and your parents and decide how long you can keep doing this. Would another year of conflict be worth it if you eventually prevailed? Two years? Come to an agreement, give it all you can for that amount of time (and add in some coping mechanisms to get through that time), and if you don’t win a victory that significantly improves your experience in the house, move. But not before planting some sort of horribly invasive weed in the part of the backyard he wants so badly and making a small donation (just enough to ensure plenty of mail forever and ever) to an LGBTQ rights organization in his name.

Dear Prudence,

My mother (a stay-at-home mom) has always favored my sister. She is almost 40, and today my mother still helps her do her job (she freelances) and drives her everywhere, even though my sister has a license and can drive. I’m pregnant with my second child and having an impossible pregnancy: There is very little I can do and the worst thing is I cannot lift more than 10 lbs. This means I cannot put my toddler into her crib or get her out, get her into/out of the tub myself, or get her into her chair for dinner. I need someone with me at all times. My husband’s hours changed suddenly, and he will no longer be home until late at night.

We are looking into getting a sitter despite it being almost unaffordable for us, but this week we can’t find anyone and I begged my mother to help out (she lives about 45 min from me). She said she can’t because she needs to drive my sister somewhere on Thursday, has to attend an event with her on Friday, and needs to “rest” Saturday because she needs to help my sister again on Sunday. I asked her to please skip one of those events because my sister can work for herself and I’m desperate and this is truly a medical emergency (I have a high risk of miscarrying if I try to lift up my toddler), and she screamed at me how dare I ask her to break her “commitments” when they apparently including driving my sister and resting. I don’t know what to do. My therapist says to limit contact with my mother, but my dad is amazing and I don’t want to ban him too (he has a full-time job and helps as much as he can). My husband needs to take the hours when they are offered to him. I’d love any suggestions on how to navigate this.

—Drive Yourself

Dear Drive Yourself,

I don’t think you need to make any decisions about navigating this. Not right now. When you’re in a heightened emotional state after a conflict, it can feel like the world is waiting for you to issue a press release with your official statement about what happened, how you feel about it, and how you plan to move forward. But there’s actually no need to do anything except to figure out where else you can find the support you need to help with your pregnancy and the baby. This means a broad, intense, creative search to line up multiple options for sitters and free help. Ask around in the neighborhood about teens who could work as mother’s helpers, doing stuff around the house for you now and then entertaining your toddler when the baby is born. Take seriously all the people who express excitement about your growing family and say they’d love to babysit any time. Put them on the calendar. Connect with multiple sitters so that you have options if one isn’t available.

You’re going to have to piece things together. That is absolutely painful and unfair because your mom should be there for you, and because her reasons for falling down on the job are nonsensical, hurtful, and part of a pattern of behavior that has probably taken a toll on you for your entire life. You’ll see her when and if you feel like seeing her, on your terms. But don’t dedicate any mental space to planning that. You’ll need all of your energy to get through this moment emotionally intact—and to plot out how you’ll avoid repeating her mistakes with your own kids.

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Dear Prudence,

My wife “Lydia” and I are hosting Easter for our families this year. Lydia’s brother “Drew” has celiac disease, and one pet peeve of mine is that in addition to making all the regular food, she also has to bust her ass making special dishes he can eat, which she does for every special occasion we host. She claims she doesn’t mind doing it so he can relax and not have to worry about what he’s eating. Isn’t it more reasonable to ask Drew to bring his own food rather than inconvenience my wife?

—The World Doesn’t Revolve Around Your Problem

Dear Doesn’t Revolve,

Your wife said she’s not inconvenienced. Listen to her. Believe her. I appreciate that you want to stand up for her and make sure she’s not taken advantage of, but it doesn’t seem your services are needed in this case. In fact, I bet what she would really appreciate when it comes to decreasing her stress around hosting would be if you could help out and focus on making sure not to reveal to Drew that you find his needs unreasonable.

Classic Prudie

I’ve been in recovery from my eating disorder for about 11 months. Recently I was in a car accident, and since my insurance and sick leave are both bad, I had to stop going kind of abruptly so I could instead spend money on care for my injuries. I’m now getting physical therapy for my foot, and my physical therapist makes constant comments to/with other workers in the office about weight, food, and dieting.

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