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Dear Prudence,

My husband and I both lost our spouses before the grandkids came, so we are equally Nana and Pop Pop. My problem is that my daughter moved to the opposite coast and decided to go the single mom route. She makes a very good living, but even with professional help, struggles with her two children. My husband and I live within spitting distance of his two children and are very involved in their lives. I take daily care of the two little ones, and my husband takes the older three to school and their activities every day.

My daughter constantly complains about the cost of raising her children, having no “real” help, and passive-aggressive insulting remarks about my husband’s children, like they are taking advantage of me and I am somehow failing my “real” grandkids. I flew out and stayed a month for each birth. I try to visit at least twice a year and call regularly, but it isn’t the same as living in the same town.

I love my daughter. I love her children. I greatly encouraged my daughter to relocate either back near me or her brother and his wife before deciding on motherhood, since her job is remote. She refused and told me it wasn’t my place to tell her what to do or where to live. My daughter has always been proud and stubborn. It is the reason why she is so successful, but I am sick and tired of being “blamed” for her own choices.

Our last conversation ended where I told her that she needed to not be so negative around the kids, and that it affected their relationship with their cousins, even as babies. She told me flatly they had no cousins, and I was deluding myself to think we could play at “being one big happy family.” I was so stunned. I asked her what she meant—she told me to figure it out and hung up.

I don’t know what to do here. I lost my first husband when my kids were teenagers and got remarried when they were in their mid-20s. My husband lost his wife the year before we met, and we married the year after. His children did nothing but embrace me. My kids attended the weddings of his kids. My stepdaughter was a speaker at my son’s wedding. They exchange Christmas cards and gifts. My daughter sends money to all five of my other grandchildren here. I don’t know where this is coming from or what to do about it. I haven’t told anyone because I don’t want anything to escalate, but talking to my daughter feels like being a punching bag most of the time. What do I do?

—East Coast Grandma

Dear East Coast Grandma,

I see a few things going on here: First, your daughter is burnt out and overwhelmed by balancing single motherhood and work, and feels resentful that the level of support she would need to make things work doesn’t exist. This is, in part, a structural problem, and you’re probably getting more than your fair share of the blame. She shouldn’t be lashing out at you about it, but her distress is real! She also didn’t experience the blended family in the way you did, or in the way you hoped she would, and as a result, she may always have the sense that she’s not getting enough love and support from you. On top of this, the two of you have a longstanding personality conflict—specifically, you see her as “proud and stubborn,” and she probably feels that you don’t love her personality and never have. Plus, you openly criticize her and her parenting.

So, you can deal with her at the level of the current conflict you’re having, and keep insisting that she’s wrong and you’ve provided tons of support, her half-siblings are her real family, and she should parent differently. It’s fair for you to be mad that she’s been hostile and unreasonable to you and ungrateful for the way you’ve been there for her, and to say, “I won’t be treated like a punching bag.” No one would fault you for that. But this plan will likely lead to the demise of your relationship with her.

If you really want your relationship to get better (versus just getting her to behave better), you’re going to need to help heal the pain she’s in. It probably has roots in her dad’s death, and is also related to her unspoken struggles to navigate your second marriage and the changes it brought to her life. Add to that the fact that she’s a single mother and likely struggles to get through her daily routine without anyone in her corner. I wonder if, as her mom and as the person who isn’t going through a rough patch right now, you would be willing to forgive some of the way she’s spoken to you with the goal of making her feel understood and cared for.

Perhaps there’s some part of you that would feel authentic saying things like:

• “I thought about what you said about not having cousins, and I’m realizing I don’t know enough about how you feel about your place in the family and how you’ve been treated. I imagine things must have been hard for you for a lot of years, and I want to hear about it if you want to talk about it.”

• “It breaks my heart that you are alone with two kids. You’re really doing it all, and I know how much you struggle every day. When I think about how it was when I lost your dad, I have an idea of how tough things might be, but I know your situation is unique, and you have a demanding career. I want to know more and figure out a way to be there for you in a way that can lighten your load a bit.”

• “I really want to apologize for what I said about you being negative around the kids. It was insensitive to what you’re going through, and you are a great mom. I think that came from the part of me that loves you and desperately wants you to be happy, but the comment was totally inappropriate.”

Dear Prudence,

My husband’s 79-year-old mother, “Elena,” moved in just over a year ago due to mobility issues, but it’s her psychological health that has me truly concerned. Elena has become increasingly paranoid, particularly because she believes people are sneaking into the garage every night to supposedly draw “faces” on the concrete. In reality, there are just stains built up over the years from living—I can even recall how a good number of them came to be.

We have a refrigerator in the garage as well, and last month, my MIL claimed that “they” are not only drawing faces on the garage floor, but poisoning the food in the refrigerator.  She refuses to eat anything that has been left in there instead of being stored in the one in our kitchen. I pointed out to Elena that if the food were truly poisoned, my husband and I would have been dead long ago since we ate it. Her rationalization is that it doesn’t affect us because we are “young” (I don’t consider late 40s “young,” but I’ll take the compliment).

My attempts to get my husband to insist that his mother go in for a dementia screening have been dismissed. According to him, she’s always been a bit on the paranoid side. She’s really beginning to drive me crazy and is now insisting we call the police on a daily basis to have them “investigate.” Is there anything I can do here, or am I stuck suffering?

—Paranoid Mother-in-Law

Dear MIL,

Since your husband won’t take the lead on figuring out what’s going on with his mom and possibly getting her some help, you should take care of yourself, which means not allowing yourself to be overly stressed out by this situation.

Choose the path of least resistance. Don’t argue or try to correct her thinking. When she reports poisoning and asks you to call the police, say, “Wow, that’s awful. I will ask Dan to make another report.” If she tells you the garage floor face artist has struck again, ask her to let you know how many he drew this time so you can document it. Then move on. Other go-to responses should be “Oh no,” “Thank you for staying on top of this,” and “We will make sure you’re safe.” This approach—not pushing back on the stories she’s made up—is considered a best practice for people with dementia. Generally, you want to comfort her and remind her she’s safe.

When I was in high school, and my grandmother (a huge TV-watcher) had Alzheimer’s, she developed the beliefs that 1) we were the family from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, and 2) my best friend and I were featured in TLC’s “Waterfalls” music video. When she repeatedly asked us how our school principal felt about us dancing “like that,” we simply replied that we’d received detention, and she seemed to find that satisfying. I realize your mother-in-law’s concerns are much more serious and upsetting, but I don’t think you’ll get far by trying to bring her back to reality. Either way, it doesn’t make sense to allow yourself to become as distressed as she is.

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Dear Prudence,

I’ve always been a person who values tidiness and clear rules, so when I was ready to buy a house, I did something that most people wouldn’t dream of: I looked for a community with a strong homeowner’s association and residents who followed its rules. I’ve lived here for five years now, and it was great until about six months ago, when my sweet neighbor passed away and her son, “Tyler,” moved into the house.

When Tyler first arrived, I stopped by and offered to help him with anything he needed, including navigating the HOA. A few months passed, but he still showed no interest in following the rules.  One day, I saw him outside and (after a friendly greeting!) mentioned that his trash bins were supposed to be out of view, and he responded that, “The HOA can’t tell me what to do with my own cans” in a tone that made me immediately drop the issue.

Since then, I have really tried to ignore Tyler’s infractions (which is difficult, because one of them was replacing his outdoor lights with too-bright, cool-light bulbs that shine into my bedroom!). However, I recently received the annual bill for HOA fees, and it reignited my anger. I specifically chose this community for the HOA, I pay for it, and yet I’m not enjoying the bene fits! Because of the way our cul-de-sac is set up, I’m the only one who has a good view of Tyler’s house, so I’d need to report him for things to change. I don’t want to be “that neighbor,” but I want my tidy street back! What should I do?

—Follow the Rules or Move

Dear Follow the Rules or Move,

It would have taken everything for me not to say to him, “Actually, telling you what to do with your own cans is pretty much their whole job.”

You’ve already tried to talk to him personally. Just call your beloved HOA! As you state, that’s what you pay for. And he signed up for this. They probably poke around and do inspections regularly, so I think you have some plausible deniability and won’t necessarily be singled out as the person who reported him.

Classic Prudie

My husband and I (both early 30s) have been married for a couple years. My family has a history of substance abuse issues and accordingly, I decided many years ago—well before I met my husband—to live a fully sober life (no alcohol, smoking, or any other drugs except necessary prescriptions). When I met my husband, I let him know lifelong sobriety was important to me and that anyone who wanted to have a serious relationship with me needed to commit to the same. He agreed.

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